Emotional Abuse: The Road to Self-Discovery & Healing Using the eGPS mindset
Yudy Veras Bueno
Founder & CEO | Y Veras Coaching
Hi Friends! For those that have been following along, this is the 3rd and final blog in the series on emotional abuse. This month we focus on the road to recovery and how my client used my eGPS method to begin her journey towards self-discovery and healing.
Once again, I ask that you please respect her choice to remain anonymous. Please feel free to share your comments, encouragement, and your own stories throughout the series.
Sending love and light,
Yudy
I started writing this third piece a month ago. I thought it would be an easy one to write. The other 2 were more difficult because they included some harsh realities and intimate details of my story and what I went through. This one should have been quick and painless because it's about the process of healing and how Yudy’s program worked for me.
It’s about how I got my life back. How I found myself again. How I stopped letting a man who emotionally abused me for years continue controlling my life. It would focus on my experience with Yudy’s program and how it has transformed my life.
But as the October deadline got closer and closer, I felt it was getting harder and harder to get the words down on paper. Something was gnawing at me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Why would this blog be so difficult to write when I had already tackled all of the hard stuff?
At the time I started writing, I did not know that there was still some unfinished business and work that needed to be done. I think subconsciously I knew it, which was why I was having a hard time writing, but clearly I wasn’t ready to face what was going on. And then it hit me out of nowhere over the weekend when I ran smack into my ex boyfriend and the woman he’s dating.
You see the journey is ongoing because some of these traumas are so deeply rooted in our subconscious that they are hard to get rid of completely.
The journey of self-discovery doesn’t just stop. If it did, then we wouldn’t be living.
I likely will never get rid of my deepest darkest demons, but now I know how to recognize them and manage them. Going through this process with Yudy, and learning how to heal these wounds has given me the tools I need to handle these situations when they come up. I’m not going to lie, seeing him with someone else hurt. And of course those old questions bubbled to the surface. What does she have that I don’t have? What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want me?
I was once the new person in his life, the shiny new toy for him to play with. I was showered with affection and attention and was made to feel like he cared about me. But I know that will not last. It did not last for me and it sure as hell won’t last for this woman either. It is only a matter of time before he gets bored and no matter how many times my ego taunts me with “maybe this time he has changed….what if she gets the best version of him? Maybe it really was you that was the problem and now he has found someone better than you..” deep down I know he will never change. He is not capable of change.
But this is what toxic people do to us. They make us doubt ourselves. When I really began to reflect on the interaction with him over the weekend, I was able to see things more clearly. As you read about my journey towards healing, you will see that it is a lifelong process. That shit pops up out of nowhere all the time to challenge you, to test you, but after working with Yudy you will be ready for them. I can see them coming and I can navigate through them and around them. As you continue to read, I will share with you what I realized about myself, and about him, after seeing him for the first time in almost a year.
I used to say that my ex-boyfriend ruined my life. That a year ago my life ended. But in reality, its the year I got my life back. I learned to love myself, appreciate and accept myself, and most importantly forgive myself for the things that I could not control. I am no longer giving him the power to control my life. A year has gone by since we broke up and I still think about him. I don’t know if I will ever completely stop.
The hardest thing after the break up was not idealizing him and the relationship. I remember thinking about how amazing he was and that I missed him so much, but what I really missed was having someone in my life. I missed the idea of him. I missed the version of him that didn’t exist but that I had told myself was still there and if I hung around long enough he would show up.
I also started to doubt myself. Did this really happen to me? Did I exaggerate what happened? Working with Yudy helped me to see that I had to tell myself that he was a great guy, and that he had all of these redeeming qualities because why else would I have stayed with him for so long? I needed something to hold onto, something that made it worth staying with him for.
When it gets really bad and I feel like I want him back or I want to reach out to him I ask myself this question:
“Would I be able to have the life that I have now if I were to go back to him?” The answer is a hard NO.
I wouldn’t be able to hang out with my friends, travel, focus on my business. I would go back to walking on eggshells, feeling anxious all the time, and never getting to do the things that I want to do. I would go back to putting his needs above my own. In those moments of weakness when I want to reach out to him, I remind myself of what my life would be like if I did.
“I used to say that my ex-boyfriend ruined my life. That a year ago my life ended. But in reality, its the year I got my life back. I learned to love myself, appreciate and accept myself, and most importantly forgive myself for the things that I could not control.“
Ok so right about now you’re saying, “I get it, but how did you get through it? How did you heal the wounds?” I won’t lie. What I did to get to this point where I am now thriving instead of just surviving was hardwork. Yudy’s process isn’t the same for everyone because we are all going through something different. We also respond differently to the healing process. For some it may be a quick process and for others it may take some time, but the important thing is taking the step in that direction.
I have been in therapy for over 20 years so I wasn’t starting from scratch. I have always been someone who is interested in self-improvement, personal growth and I was determined to heal these deep wounds. For me it took about 3 months to get to a place where I was fully understanding my emotions and how my needs drive and impact my behaviors. But the process to heal is ongoing. The tricky part is getting to a place of understanding. Becoming aware of my emotions and behaviors is a huge piece of this puzzle because without it you can’t really make changes.
How can you fix something that you aren’t aware of?
When I first met Yudy I told her not to try any spiritual “woo woo” shit on me. I don’t believe in it and I don’t want to try it. And she respected that. We talked through things, she asked me questions and I did a ton of self-reflection. Until one day she asked me if I would be open to an” exercise.” At this point I was making progress, but knew that I had only just scratched the surface. I told her that we could do the exercise even though I was skeptical and very hesitant to truly let go.
But once I gave myself over to it, once I was able to truly trust the process, that is when the real healing began. That is when I started letting go of the hurt and the pain. Letting go of the guilt and the shame. And accepting myself for the strong, independent, beautiful, intelligent, and slightly flawed woman that I am.
The healing process that Yudy developed at its core is really very simple.
It’s called the eGPS Mindset (Emotional Guidance and Protection System).
If you’ve kept up on Yudy’s blog then you probably have already heard of it. If not, here is the link.
The eGPS Mindset is a four step process. There is no set time for each step, you move through them at your own pace and Yudy guides you along the way.
Like I said, the process is relatively simple when you see it on paper. However, what makes it difficult is that you have to be willing to let yourself sift through all of the bad shit from your past, and face it head on so that you can get to a healthier destination. Most people don’t want to do that. It is hard to face our demons. So we bury them and pretend like they don’t exist, which only works for so long. I promise you that they will come to the surface and you can try to keep pushing them back down, but they will resurface again and again.
So if you are tired of that same pattern playing out in your life, maybe it is time you choose to change directions like I did. Acknowledging when something doesn’t feel right is the first step in the eGPS process.
#1 - Determine your starting point
Just like any road trip starts with determining your starting point, your journey of self-discovery begins the same way. And to determine your starting point you need to acknowledge that something doesn’t feel right. Acknowledging doesn’t mean figuring out the problem. Acknowledging that there is an obstacle, challenge, or barrier in the way is the first step towards overcoming it.
For me, there was an obvious reason why I sought Yudy’s help. I was grieving my breakup and I was having a hard time getting over the emotional hold that my ex had on me. I also didn’t want to repeat my same self-destructive coping mechanisms.
However, once I started working with Yudy, I realized that there was so much more going on. I had to acknowledge that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and deal with the issues that got me to that point.
Why did I stay for so long? What were the circumstances in my past that led me down that path?
I had to look at everything that had happened in my life up until the point in which I had met my ex-boyfriend. Once I did that, it was as if I had found the key to life. The key to truly understanding myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. You can’t drive a car without the mechanism to turn it on, right? Once I had that I could move into the next step which is Awareness.
“That is when I started letting go of the hurt and the pain. Letting go of the guilt and the shame. And accepting myself for the strong, independent, beautiful, intelligent, and slightly flawed woman that I am.”
#2 - Check Under the Hood
Awareness is the next step in the process. Before you can get on the road, you need to check to make sure that the car is in the proper condition for the trip. If you aren’t aware of any issues before you leave, then you can end up broken down on the side of the road waiting for AAA to come and rescue you and we all know that can take hours.
Same with life. Emotions need to be checked and monitored. We often try to brush off our emotions or ignore the problem until we can’t anymore and we have a blow out or crash. Emotional awareness comes from looking at the reference points, or experiences, that we have created and understanding where they come from. Emotions create a reaction to circumstances and when repeated enough, are then stored in the subconscious as reference points or memories.
Memories are linked to emotions so when we feel something that triggers the memory, even when it is stored in the subconscious, it can have an impact on our journey. But in order to address the issues and really figure out what is going on, we must become aware of these reference points and the emotional triggers.
When I started working with Yudy I kept asking myself how I could have allowed this man into my life? How could I let him slowly chip away at my self-worth until I felt empty and worthless? I was so ashamed of myself and embarrassed that I had been duped.
Working with Yudy helped me to gain an awareness of the events leading up to when I met my ex. I didn’t realize that everything from my past had the potential to impact the present and the future. It is a lot like the GPS in your car. It stores your addresses and the various routes you have traveled and uses those patterns to respond, and sometimes predict, your next moves.
The inner eGPS does the same thing. It learns how to act or react based on your past responses in similar situations and when triggered it pulls that information forward for you to access it. I had to deal with all the things that had happened in my past relationships, not only with men, but with my family, friends, teachers, bosses, coaches…basically anyone that played a significant role in my life.
I learned that my need for love and belonging was so high that it was like an addiction. That addiction was so strong that I would almost do anything, endure anything, to get it and not lose it.
It is hard for me to admit this because in my mind it makes me sound pathetic. And I am fully prepared for some of you to say that this sounds crazy and that you would never allow yourself to stoop to that level of desperation. Trust me…neither did I. But it did happen to me. I had to own that and accept it so that I could move on.
To help you understand a little better what I mean, I am going to share with you one of the reference points that was created about 10 years ago. This reference point had a huge impact on my life, my sense of self-worth, and remained lodged deep in my subconscious until I began my work with Yudy.
So you can imagine that when my ex and I broke up last year, I was terrified that I would become that self-destructive person again. I didn’t want to go back to that time in my life where my self-worth was so low that I had let people take advantage of me and landed me smack in the toxic relationship I had just gotten out of. But I was scared that I was beyond help. Thankfully I found Yudy.
I want you to know that this isn’t something that happens over night and there are going to be setbacks.
We are human and many of these behaviors, feelings and emotions have been with us for so many years that we don’t know anything different. Even now, a year later, I am still triggered by these old emotions. As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, I was triggered just last week when I ran into my ex-boyfriend, which sent me spiraling into my old thoughts and behaviors until I remembered that this was my subconscious taking over and not really how I felt anymore.
Once again, I share this with you to help you understand that this is an ongoing process and that setbacks are inevitable and ok.
Just recently I made the decision to do something that was a big part of my life with my ex boyfriend. Going to football games and tailgating was always something we loved to do together. Up until recently, the thought of going to a game would bring up feelings of sadness and it would make me miss him. But I was talking to my friends about it and they all said they wanted to go with me.
If I’m being truly honest with myself, I wanted to run into him. I hate admitting that, but I wanted to see him and to show him that I am ok without him. That he can’t keep me from doing something that I love to do. I’m not sure what I thought would happen when we saw each other, but I definitely wasn’t prepared for him to have another woman with him. It was like a knife to my heart and a punch to my gut when I saw him with her. I immediately broke down.
I was so upset and those old feelings of never being chosen, of feeling inadequate and less than came rushing back.
Why didn’t he want me? What was wrong with me?
I wasn’t sure I could face him, but I think I needed to close that chapter once and for all. So we ventured over to his tailgate and the reception I received from everyone there was amazing. They all hugged me and said they missed me. My ex did come and give me a hug which was fine. And I did get to see the woman he is dating.
She looks nothing like me. I know that sounds weird but I’m glad she doesn’t look like me. We are complete opposites so you can’t really make a comparison. She actually looks like everyone else he has ever been with. So in a way it made it easier for me. I don’t want to put this woman down because she didn’t do anything wrong. I actually felt bad for her because she doesn’t know what she has gotten herself into.
As I stood there talking to people it suddenly hit me that I didn’t belong there.
I realized that my ex needed someone who is quiet, stands in the background, and lets him be the center of attention. The first time I met everyone at the tailgate, I came right in trying to connect with everyone, showing my true personality, someone who is confident and outgoing and fun.
But my ex didn’t like that because he needs to be the center of attention. He needs to be the funny one, the charismatic one, the one that everyone loves. He didn’t want to share the limelight with me.
Its funny because that is why everyone thought we were so good together. Because we fed off each other’s energy and got everyone involved. But he doesn’t want his friends to love the person he is with more than him.
Coming to this realization was huge for me. It was at that moment that I took a step back and I saw my ex, his friends, and the same tailgate that he has been doing for over 15 years in a totally different light. I really didn’t fit in his world. That I never did and I never would.
I was able to go and have fun with my friends, make new memories and no longer attach football and tailgating to something that was only fun with him. It was something that I loved doing and will continue doing without him. He doesn’t get to keep all of the fun things, even if it was something he introduced to me.
Healing is an ongoing process. I almost fell into his trap, but because of the awareness I gained through my time with Yudy, I was able to take a step back, realize the path I was going down was not the right one and change direction.
We can’t fix something until we truly understand what it is that we are trying to fix. Doing the work to really understand our emotions and the reactions that they trigger is truly important to the healing process. If we continue ignoring our eGPS and brushing things under the rug, then we run the risk of landing ourselves in one big traffic jam. People don’t realize something until someone asks or they start asking themselves the right questions. That brings me to the next step in the eGPS process.
#3 - Identify the Route that Works Best for You
To identify the best route, or course of action, we need to first ask better questions. When we take a trip, we need to explore and research what we want to see and do along the way. We then use that information to identify the different routes that will get us to where we need to go. The same happens when we use our eGPS.
When we have awareness we give ourselves choices.
Just like the GPS maps out 2 or 3 routes for you to get to the same destination, you have a choice to make…which direction do you want to go? Which path do you want to take? Before embarking on your self-discovery journey with Yudy you want to be curious and ask better questions. Why do I want to do this? How does doing this make me feel?
Asking questions helps you to understand and process your emotions. When you understand your emotions and are aware of what they mean to you, then you give yourself permission to choose your path. Asking empowering questions has the power to change your thoughts, which in turn changes your feelings about the situation, re-routes your actions and your results.
I finally started listening to my inner eGPS. When I started out I was asking questions like “what is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I find someone to love me?” And running into my ex and the woman he’s dating triggered those questions again. But now I know that those questions will only lead me down a path that has no options, a path where you can bury your emotions. For years, I felt like I did not have any choices. I would go along with whatever my ex boyfriend wanted. I didn’t want to say no and “rock the boat.” I learned that the only choices I had were his choices if I wanted to avoid the negative consequences.
But I no longer had to do that. I started asking myself healthier questions like “Would I really be having a good time if I were at the tailgate with him right now? How would my life be if I went back to him? Do I really want that life back?” When I started asking those questions I was able to see that my life would not be going in the direction that I wanted if I was with him. That I would be back to walking on eggshells. I would be worried if the team lost how he would react and if he would take it out on me. If I were to be there with him then I wouldn’t have the amazing friends that I came to the game with. They would not be in my life.
#4 - Put Yourself Back in the Driver’s Seat
This is the step where you take action and start setting boundaries. Thinking about what is under your control now that you have choices is what drives you to take action. Remember to take action with your boundaries in mind - for that purpose, you must know what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable for you and how you want to be treated. Boundaries are about mutual respect. If you want to be treated respectfully then we must treat others with respect.
It was a steady process for me. At first I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing because so much of my life was doing what he wanted to do. I didn’t want to go back to being self-destructive either. I had to give myself time to figure things out on my own. I slowly started to meet people and make new friends. I joined a new gym, I started hiking and being active outside. I rented a lake house for the summer.
I didn’t want to go out and party all the time because I was still sad. So I gave myself time to heal and to process my emotions until I started to get stronger and stronger and take more risks by putting myself out there. Even a year later, I am not ready to date. I am still getting to know myself and I am enjoying the time I am spending with friends and family where I don’t feel like I’m being pulled away by my ex. I don’t have that anxiety of constantly being on the lookout for his mood to change. The anxiety of constantly trying to be perfect. For the first time in a long time I can breathe easy.
Finding my inner eGPS and learning how to use it allowed me to find peace and the freedom to create the life I wanted for myself.
When I finally began listening to my inner eGPS I realized that I was finally free to make my own choices. Free to explore what makes me happy. Free to do what I wanted when I wanted. To go from being in a relationship where I was made to feel less than every day, where my self-worth was so low that I never spoke up out of fear that it would cause a bigger problem. A relationship where I apologized nonstop for being me.
To go from that to now having a voice. To knowing my worth and my value. To knowing that I have the freedom to create and live the life I want. And I was able to get there through the work with Yudy.
Let’s work together!
Book a discovery session with Yudy today to kickstart your journey to self love and to living the life you deserve.
