1.  Check in with yourself: Make sure you check your own emotions first. We have a tendency to blame something or someone else for our shortcomings. So, we must take responsibility for our own emotional state before we begin the blaming game. Take time to ask yourself what it is that is triggering you and why.

2.  Stop Pretending that things are “ok”: If you are having challenges now, it is very probable that you had known for a while that something is not working in the relationship. You chose to ignore it because you are afraid of the consequences. Either because you are still in love, you are scared of change, or you are just afraid to let go. However, pretending that everything is ok does not help. Instead, it makes things worse because you are expecting the other person to behave differently without having the proper tools to improve and change the situation.

3. Come to Terms with the Facts: To solve a problem, you must come to terms with the fact that there is a problem, to begin with. So, yes, you must accept that something is off, and it’s not working. However, it’s easy to go into denial, because it feels safe. In my book, The Becoming of a Light Warrior,

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I openly write about a particular situation when my husband and I faced a tough time in our relationship. He admitted that he was starting to have feelings for another woman. I went into denial because it was so painful to face it. The truth was that the other woman was not the issue. The issue was that we had lost sight of each other’s needs, and that impacted our intimacy.

4.  Stop avoiding difficult conversations: The basis of human psychology is to run from pain toward pleasure, which is sometimes referred to as the pleasure-pain principle. This is our motivating force behind our behavior to seek instant satisfaction and gratification. Then, it’s only natural that when we feel uncomfortable about anything, the first impulse is to avoid it at all costs. It is human nature to avoid difficult conversations and conflicts. However, when we are not able to have these conversations, then the chances to work with the problem and find solutions are minimal. Therefore, hire a professional to help you prepare for these challenging but needed conversations.

5. Understand your Emotional and Spiritual Needs: As humans, we have biological needs that are undeniable. We need to eat, sleep, nurture our bodies, and release waste. If we are not able to do that, our body will suffer from illnesses and physical pain. In the same way we have biological needs, we also have emotional and spiritual needs including the need for stability and safety, the need for fun and uncertainty, the need for feeling valuable and unique, the need for love and connection, the need for growth, and finally, the need for contribution.

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Why Social Distancing is Key to Ending COVID-19 Pandemic

When we don’t fulfill these needs in healthy ways, we’ll fulfill them in destructive ways. If you don’t understand and know these needs and how you are currently meeting them, then your emotional, mental, and spiritual states will be affected. Right now, you and your partner might have different needs, which can create chaos when you don’t understand them. Becoming aware of these subconscious needs is vital. During my couple coaching sessions, the first thing we will perform, is a human needs assessment, so that you become clear on what’s missing, what’s triggering you or your partner, communication style, fears, and expectations. Also, it is a great tool to understand your partner’s needs, and where he/she is coming from so that we can find solutions.

6.  Take time for Intimacy: Social distancing is not applicable when you are at home sharing the same space 24/7, or even more when you are sharing a small apartment. As we already examined, when you are spending that amount of time with your partner, the dynamic changes every day. For instance, some people might be experiencing an aversion to having intimacy as a result of anxiety. If this is the case, it is imperative to have the conversation. This might fall into the category of “difficult conversations,” see advice above. Other people are finding that sex is just the right antidote to stress. As we know, sex can become a great stress reliever. Studies show that people who have an active sexual life develop a stronger immune system to fight against viruses, germs, and other intruders. The most important thing is to acknowledge your feelings since there is no right or wrong way to handle these interesting times.

7.  Practice self-love and self-care: As we are presented with new challenges such as homeschooling, inability to go out and spend time with our loved ones, many individuals are feeling exhausted and stressed out. When we are stressed out, our immune system suffers, and we are not able to fight the virus. Also, our emotional and mental state will suffer because we become moody or rude as a result, which will have an impact on our relationships. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you carve out time for yourself. Taking time for yourself is not selfish.  It is a requirement that helps you “show up” for your loved ones when they need you the most.  So, exercise, rest, take a bath or a nap so that you have the proper energy and motivation to work on your relationship.